I’m doing that thing I shouldn’t be doing. I’m stalking people from my past. People I still remember. People who probably don’t remember me.
People that remind me of memories.
As I look at these people, they remind me of how much has changed. So many moments…
These people I am observing hold a piece of me… an idea that never came to fruition… a person I wish I still was… a person I sometimes wish I could become again.
I’m looking at the man who ghosted me… the first man that ever made me feel infatuation. I did not even know I was capable of feeling that. I was so young. I thought I was falling in love.
Now, he’s married with two children. The last I checked, he only had one. Now, he has two. How strange. Life is so strange.
In a way, I’m happy for him, but in a way, I am sad. Not because I have any desire to be with this person at all or even think of them often, but it’s just another memory in my life.., I think of how innocent I was back then… how I saw my future in his eyes.
It seems so silly now.. but I miss my silly innocence.. my ability to see hope in a single moment. I’m way too jaded for that now.
Next, I looked at an acquaintance who I met when she was dating someone, someone who ended up being so far from the man she likely envisioned. He cheated on her. She moved on, but the next guy was not much better.
Now, she’s in another town in another relationship, and she looks much happier. I mean, who knows if she truly is but wow.. as I look over her social media, it starts to hit me.
She’s moved on twice, and in a way I’ve been stuck on the same person for years. I feel embarrassed. Then I realize I’m always embarrassed at the way I love… at the way I cling on.
I’m angry about reigniting a candle that barely had any wick to burn on.
I reignited a nearly wickless candle because I craved the light. I wanted to watch us glow… I wanted to feel what I felt the first time we kissed.
But I don’t feel the same anymore. I’m not the same anymore. It’s so much more complex than words could ever describe.
Sometimes there’s fire… sometimes there isn’t. Mostly, there is numbness. The numbness comes from broken boundaries and unrequited propositions.
It comes from knowing that there is so much more that I refuse to touch.
I always move on.. I just move on slowly.
I DO love how I love… I just need to love the right people.
I need to not let people make me despise how I love…
How I love is beautiful…
I just need to let go when it’s time.
I need to stretch my limbs and touch the boundless amounts of untouched love….
My love is not a burden… my attachment is…
& that’s the truth