Hello,

It’s been a minute, huh? I can explain, I promise…

See, I’m such a perfectionist that I often end up not accomplishing anything. My feelings of inadequacy lead to stagnancy, which ultimately leads to nothing. Nothing is accomplished… which then leads to more feelings of inadequacy.

What a destructive cycle… one I’ve been entangled in for decades. I have to stop that. Something is better than nothing. Something is better than nothing, I repeat.

So here I am: spontaneously writing.

Despite my desire for perfection, these words you’re reading are appearing as thoughts pop into my mind. Where do I begin?

To put it lightly, this summer has been CHALLENGING. Wow. I expected to have an incredible and transformative summer in one of the best cities I have the pleasure of finally calling home.

A year and a half ago, I left everything in my South Florida hometown behind, and I started over…completely. I left the palm trees for the capital… I plotted a plan to make it happen, and I did it! It’s been a dream. Honestly…

I overcame horrendous heartache, limited self-beliefs, and a past full of beautiful and traumatic memories to embark on living on my own for the first time… in a new city where I knew no one...no one! Truthfully, that part of my adventure has been a dream. Despite the challenges that have emerged (intense loneliness, anyone?), moving has been so worth it. I love DC. It’s the first place I’ve felt like calling HOME.

I’ll write about all of that another time.

But to put it mildly, this summer was one I was desperately looking forward to. Between my mental health deteriorating in the colder weather (Florida skin doesn’t adjust well to winters!) to memories from my past haunting me, I was ready to finally put 100 percent into adjusting to my new city. The first year of moving is honestly just adjusting… this new year was about feeling like I was home… finally finding my people…my places.

I wanted to create a future I was proud of. I did not want to think of the friends or the relationships I left behind. I wanted to fully immerse myself HERE. For the first year, I honestly still had one foot in the sand (get it? cause I’m from South Florida 🏖️).

I wanted to shed the pounds that I accumulated, both physically and mentally. I wanted to SHED everything. THIS WAS HOME. Enough of dwelling on the past, it was time to embrace new beginnings. But of course, life had different plans...

Suddenly, I found myself struggling to walk home from the metro (only .3 miles). I found myself short of breath… then the heartbeat sounds began…

thump-thump thump-thump thump-thump

A nonstop pounding in my left ear was accompanied by a continuous whooshing sound that mimicked ocean waves during a thunderstorm.

whoooooooooooooooooooooooosh

Disabling is an understatement. Then the head pressure began. Then the sensation of the blood flowing through my ear, then the panic attacks…

So I did what anyone would do, I googled “Why is there a heartbeat in my ear?”

What came up was a condition known as pulsatile tinnitus.

HEAR WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE

Once I had the name of the condition, I began to see doctors, started scans, everything you can imagine. The crappy thing about this condition is there’s a million reasons it can happen. It’s a symptom, not a diagnosis, and doctors have already ruled out the most obvious causes.

So what’s causing it? I still don’t know. I’m still dealing with it right now. Some days the heartbeat is less audible. Other times, it’s so loud, I can’t ignore it. I have to put headphones on and listen to brown noise while I work.

It’s deterred me from having a social life, thriving at work, and creating the life I’ve wanted to build here.

So in the midst of navigating very difficult emotions that I’ll delve into another time, I’ve had to deal with this “pulsatile tinnitus” thing. The only saving grace has been a Facebook group among other sufferers of this condition. They understand what I’m going through. They’re the only ones who make me feel less crazy. They don’t minimize how hard it is.

It’s there where I’ve started to create a plan to figure out what is happening.

I have some ideas… we’ll see…

And that’s just one of the many issues that have come up in the past few months. Let’s just say I’m looking forward to starting therapy soon…

Yeah… it’s been a fun summer! /sarcasm

There have been some great moments though. I went to an amazing week-long writing workshop at Howard University, a renowned HBCU in DC, I got to see Earth, Wind & Fire and Lionel Richie Live, and I enjoyed a few summer events happening around DC…

I also joined a choir group. I’m learning to love singing…even if I’m not amazing, who cares! I’m choosing to navigate the darkness by leaning into the sparks of joy that come my way…and the sparks of joy I create myself.

Ultimately, through all of this, I’ll grow into a stronger more resilient person. When I recover, I’ll share my story with others struggling through the same thing.

More than ever, I’m learning to harness the power to help others through my pain…

& that’s the truth
Sher